A Word

Privatization. That word has been pissing me off for a long, long time. I first heard it a long time ago, when there was a corporation in the town where I lived at the time planning to take over the work at the jail. "Hmmm," I thought at the time. "Why not? Seems like a good idea to me! That way the Sheriff's Department can put more of the Deputies to work doing other things, things relating to keeping the community safe."

Yeah.

Fast forward a few years, and that privatized jail issue had morphed into a full blown scandal, involving much kickbacks, enormous amounts of graft and prisoners being mistreated, untreated and treated badly.

Privatization is another word for profiteering. It's a pretty way to say things like "Sorry, Soldier, but I know your enlistment is up, but we need you to put your ass in harm's way until we say you can stop. Sort of a Stop-Loss for us, you know." No, that's called a fucking draft, and you should call it what it is. It's unfair at its core concept.

Just like priva--profiteering.

The school I attend where I am getting my master's has a rhetoric program, and that's what I am going to study for my Ph.D. Wonder if I can do my dissertation on Privateering/Profiteering, Stop-Loss/Indentured Servitude type twistings from these idiots in the Bush administration?

Probably a bad idea. Excessive exposure to a topic like that would set my hair on fire. My eyeballs would melt. At this point, I'm thinking I write about puppies and kittens. Nobody can hate on puppies and kittens.

Well, Ann Coulter probably could.

Honesty! How Refreshing!

Well, thank God that someone in the Bush administration is being honest, at least, even if the news that they are sharing is not particularly good.

And more honesty! As if we didn't already know that "compassionate conservative" was an oxymoron, here's Newt to really reinforce that for us!

Since I sent my congresscritters and the preznit a copy of the Walter Reed article, perhaps I should send them a copy of this article as well. It likely wouldn't be the first time that George got a "gentleman's C" by using somebody else's cheat sheet.

My thesis writing is going slowly. TB is learning how to clear houses. Sigh.

Frustrations

I am trying very hard to shift my concentration in writing here from my crushing fears for TB to my crushing frustrations and fears in writing my thesis. How's that going for me, you might ask?

Egad.

I am having so much trouble with this thesising thing. It is beyond difficult for me. Why should what is essentially four relatively small papers, all on the generally same theme, be so difficult? I am beginning to wish I were a biology major. Then I could write about the mating habits of flamingos, as a friend of mine is doing. Well, she's writing about something having to do with flamingos, anyway. I wanted something that would be important, something that would be timely, something that would matter.

Well, as they say, be careful what you wish for.

I finished chapter one, and turned it over to my peeps for reading. Turns out it wasn't as spectacular of a showing as I had hoped. As usual, I have a tendancy to try to write everything, rather than one thing. Can I have a hell yeah? How about an editor?

I know where TB gets his issues with perseverance. I have trouble with that too. I think I just want to be excellent at everything I do, and if I have to work harder than I think I *should* be working, then something clearly is wrong with me. And, of course, I give up. This is not something I can give up on, obviously, and I don't *want* to give up. I want to do it perfectly.

Maybe that's my constipation issue with the writing. In the past, I've sat down to write, and had little problem once I got started. And even with my first Chapter One, I felt like it was easy going once I actually got the pump primed. Now I've got Chapter One Again, and it wasn't such easy going, and I'm not really sure that it's any better.

Is it too late to change my major to mathmatics? Physics?

And, of course, the whole idea that this topic is so close to me is difficult. In referring to the media as a tool of the government, am I revealing my horrible bias? I fear that it might come through, just a teensy bit. Is that bad? Good? Indifferent?

I started my master's work by not thinking about my thesis. I was too frightened of it, too blown away at the thought that that was what was waiting for me at the end of the road, to really look at it straight on. I could take tiny peeks, from the corner of my eye, but could never really bring myself to look it straight in the eye, and meet it's gaze, because I knew it could stare me down. I spent quite a lot of nights, sitting with Hon crying and fretting and carrying on that I can't possibly do this! How can I ever even come up with an IDEA for a thesis, much less write one?

That's quite a few nights under the bridge, or something like that, and I don't cry about the process anymore. Maybe I'm too scared of it to cry about it. Maybe I'm beyond crying about it now. Doubtful. Very doubtful. I think that I'm just so paralyzed with fear about this, and about other things in my life, that I can't cry about them now. Maybe later.

One thing is for sure. Since I laid off the nightly news, things have been better for me as far as The Boy is concerned. But I had a minor set back in that arena, and much as the alcoholic falls off the sobriety wagon, I fell off my newsless life wagon. I found myself in the news gutter with Jim Leherer, Keith Olbermann and Arianna Huffington, and let's just say that a life of news sobriety is preferable to more days like the past few. I have found that, much as the alcoholic has to take one day at a time, and not take that first drink, I can't watch that first news roundup. It's just not a good idea for me. So that means that I get to miss most of the Scooter Libby trial. Probably just as well, because it will just piss me off.

So I am struggling with my thesis, struggling with my worry, and just struggling in general. And that frustrates me.